A letter to the president

Dear President Obama,


I just watched the State of the Union Address on the interweb. I must say I was reminded of why we all voted for you in the first place: you are handsome, charismatic, and very articulate. I thoroughly enjoyed that you used your nationally televised forum to call out the various bodies of our government for all the bonehead moves they have made in the last year. Your beautiful words and high ideals would motivate good men and women to great heights.

Unfortunately, you seem to have forgotten you are not dealing with good men and women in Washington. You are dealing with, for lack of a better term, whores. Taken as individuals the members of Congress, the Supreme Court, and your own cabinet are intelligent people who could conceivably do some good in this world. However, when placed in the context of the national government they become manipulative, lying whores who would do anything to get their hands on A.) more votes or B.) more special interest money. The thing about whores is that you can whisper all the sweet words you want to them but at the end of the day they are just going to take your money and, if you're not careful, shank you! Why? Because whores have no respect for anyone or anything besides money and their pimp.

So, Mr. President, might I suggest a small change in your demeanor for your second year. Instead of being a charming, egghead who talks the talk but gets shot down every time he tries to walk the walk be smooooooothe, be ruthless, be PIMP! I know as the first biracial president you have to walk a very careful line to prevent the ignorant, bigots from revolting (although the completely revolt me - ha! See what I did there?) but the only way you are going to get anything done in Washington is if you make the whores of Congress respect your pimphand. What's a pimphand, you ask? What kind of jive turkey are you, man? Not knowing about the pimphand. Geesh! Okay, I'll lay it out for you. The pimphand is a lot like a nuclear bomb; it is the pimp's ultimate offensive weapon and the ultimate deterrent. The mere threat of it reminds his street walkers who is in charge, which prevents them from doing something stupid… most of the time. And if for some reason the sacred trust between pimp and hoe is violated, one open-handed slap from the pimphand is enough to ensure that everyone gets back on track.

President Obama, I implore you to use the pimphand against Congress. The next time Joe Lieberman tries to filibuster against something as important as Health Care Reform, remember what Dr. Dre taught us and smack the taste out of his mouth! It may not be politically correct but liberally (no pun intended) using the pimphand gets stuff done.



Your Homie,
Aaron

P.S. if all else fails you can always invite the Geto Boyz, Scarface, Warren G, and Nate Dogg (because it ain't a party unless Nate Dogg is there) to join your cabinet. They will bring some real regulation to the District of Columbia to ensure reform gets done!