Thoughts on the Olympics: part deux

As the Olympics conclude I have realized I was wrong about a few things in my last post. You see I thought the people of the most wonderful country on Earth, America, were acting like a bunch of jerks with the way we were emphasizing the desire to defeat the world instead of being magnanimous in victory. I thought the entire point of the games was to bring the world together in brotherhood by celebrating the strongest, fastest, and best winter athletes humanity has ever produced. I was wrong. 

Evgeni Plushenko earned a silver medal in figure skating. Instead of accepting his award like one of the greatest champions his slightly gay sport has ever known, he cried like a little girl with a skinned knee and claimed the imaginary title of Platinum Medal Winner.  

South Koreans complained about being robbed in speed skating when an Australian judge DQed their women's relay team after their dominating performance in the 3000-meter. Americans complained and threatened to invade Canada after a Canadian judge disqualified Apolo Ohno for touching a Canadian competitor on his way to second place, when the same Canadian completely took out a Korean skater and was awarded a bronze medal for his effort. Thee South Korean team also got into a bottle throwing fight with the Chinese team at the Pacific Coliseum when Chinese filmed a Korean practice. While not necessarily against the rules it did seem to show poor sportsmanship.

And then there was the Canadian Women's hockey team's celebration after winning the gold medal. Underage drinking, smoking cigars, and just generally having a good time on the ice could be considered

d all in good fun. However, the media decided it was in poor taste after they released photos. Despite the photographic evidence the Canadian authorities have decided to turn a blind eye to the illegalities that were perpetrated since the team is basically national heroes. What had me a little bothered was that Scotty Lago was kicked out of the olympics when photographs of him being "inappropriate" with his medal even though what he did was not technically illegal. I guess gold is better than bronze in the eyes of the IOC.

What these things have taught me more than anything is that no matter where we come from, no matter what color  our skin is, no matter what we believe in, we are all assholes. Loud-mouthed, angry,short-sighted, close-minded, arrogant, nationalistic, assholes. In some weird way, knowing we are all assholes makes me feel closer to all of humanity. And that feels good. So, you Canadian eh-holes, congratulations for putting together a showcase for American domination. Even though your judges showed blatant favoritism towards Canadian athletes and complete disregard towards the Koreans you did good, little bro. You did good! Now get back to work creating decent actors and hockey players who will run for the American border the first chance they get.

Thoughts on the Olympics

As the Olympics move through their second week I have come to a few shocking (and by shocking I mean “m’eh”) conclusions.

First, as a whole, we Americans are an extremely competitive lot. I am all about giving your all, leaving everything you have on the ice (or slopes or halfpipe, et al.), and representing the stars and stripes with pride and honor. Yet I can not help but wonder if other countries keep track of the medal count as if the country who wins gets some super valuable prize for being the overall champions of the world. Now don’t get me wrong. I think it would be really awesome if the leader of the country with the “win” in the overall medal count became the president of the world until the next Olympics. Since this is not the case, though, maybe we should calm down about worrying who wins the most hardware. I mean the Olympics are supposed to be about fair play, brotherhood, and pushing oneself to the limits of human strength, speed, and endurance. They are supposed to be about humanity coming together to celebrate our very best. When we mock other countries and go out to “defeat the world” it kind of makes us look like douche bags. Come on America, can’t we leave that to the Russians?

Second, why curling? I know that it is a really popular sport (in Canada) but do we need to see 10 hours of it a day? For those of you not paying attention or who do not have cable, NBC has been broadcasting the games of the 21st Winter Olympiad on their family of networks (NBC, USA, MSNBC, and CNBC) since the opening ceremony on February 12. On NBC during primetime they have been showing a lot of the upper echelon sports like Speed Skating, Snowboarding, Figure Skating, and a handful of fast-paced, exciting sports where Americans usually do well. And I cannot really complain about the mix of sports they have shown (though not showing USA vs. Canada Men’s Hockey on NBC seemed to be a rather bizarre programming decision).

Aaron, Jeremiah, and Carl, Jr. curling for America... with boobies... because everything is better with boobies.

However, the sport that has received more coverage than any other during this Olympiad has been Curling. Between MSNBC and CNBC there has been between 6-12 hours of curling on everyday since the games began. Now I like Curling. I have defended it to friends and co-workers over the past week because I know it takes a lot of skill and practice the be able to slide a 42 pound rock down 150 feet of ice and have it stop within inches of where you were aiming through careful and precise broom work. However, I do not think it should be the most televised Olympic sport for one simple reason. It is boring as heck to watch because it is slow, non-exciting, and anyone can do it. I mean J-Rock, CJ, and I are going to start our own curling team if we can find a fourth. What really kills the television audience though is that it is the same thing over and over again for 3 hours. I can handle about 10 minutes and then my head starts to hurt and I need to change the channel. Jeremiah watches for about 7 minutes before having a reaction similar to the one he has when he watches disfigured frogs on Animal Planet. Carl, Jr. watches for about 5 minutes and then begins furiously licking his own eyeballs to clean away the sucktitude. So IOC officials and NBC execs, let’s keep Curling in the games but not show so much of it on TV. Okay? Thanks.

Third, who decided bronze was the third best metal? Gold, I get. Silver, makes since. But bronze? Really? I mean it is nice that we want to make third place finishers feel like they have achieved something (other than choking) but bronze? Why not nickel? Why not aluminum? Or mercury? Or copper? I like bronze but I think we could have made the third place medal a little bit more awesome. Although, to be fair, no matter what choice they made before the 1904 St. Louis games I probably would have still been here talking about how lame and arbitrary the choice of metals for the third place medal is. But I suppose it will never change, so m’eh!

Fourth, it turns out Alexander Ovechkin, much like Charlie White, always really wanted to be an ice dancer. But after his skate partner left him for another he gave it up in a haze of tears for hockey. Sad, but it makes you wonder what could have been.

Fifth, USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

Animal Planet

Jeremiah, Carl, Jr, and I were watching Animal Planet (because it is Jeremiah's second favorite channel, right behind the NHL Network) the other day. There was a program on about animals that go through transformations. As he had gone through a metamorphosis of his own when he was younger, Jeremiah was really enjoying the program. Then the program got to an animal that undergoes a more radical transformation than any other. A certain parasitic flatworm goes through four distinct stages in its life, the third of which being a cyst near the tail of a frog tadpole. To ensure the flatworm makes it to it's final life cycle in the intestinal tract of a bird, it messes up the frogs metamorphosis. Instead of dropping the tail and growing two legs, the flatworm causes the frog to sprout up to fifteen legs. With the extra legs the frog is unable to move and eaten by a crane. 

The image of the 15 leg frog was disturbing enough to me, which is why I am not including a picture of it, but Jeremiah's reaction was close to unbelievable. He flipped over to his back then covered his mouth with his front legs to, I'm pretty sure, prevent himself from vomiting up his breakfast of crickets. I wish I had taken a picture but the camera was upstairs and by the time I got to it Big Cat Diary was on and Jeremiah had regained his composure. 

Since we did not take any shots that day we decided to do a reenactment. CJ worked the camera.

J-Rock watching Animal Planet.

 

J-Rock flipping over on to his back as he sees a disgustingly disfigured frog.

Aaron making the face Jeremiah made on Wednesday because J-Rock was too embarrassed to do it again.

Good times.

Jeremiah's Song

Contrary to popular belief Jeremiah is not a bullfrog. He is an American toad (Bufo Americanus). Now normally I am  big believer in leaving wild animals in their natural habitats. I mean generally speaking you would not enjoy it if some giant came and scooped you up then made you live in a small recreation of your original home inside of his giant house, would you? Of course not. However, Mollie and I did not really have the option to leave Jeremiah Roosevelt, a.k.a J.R. a.k.a. Bubbie, in his natural environment.

Jeremiah reading the sports page.

You see it all started on a Sunday in November. As happens sometimes, Mollie and I went to her family's homestead after mass for food and family fun. As I recall it was a beautiful day with temperatures in the 60s. However, as we settled in to watch the Steelers on NBC's Sunday Night Football the temperature plummeted and snow began to fall. Some time in the third quarter Mollie went down to the basement and noticed Jeremiah snow covered and pressed against the window in a window-well. For those that do not know toads in colder climates typically dig themselves a little whole a few inches down in the dirt to insulate themselves from the cold and then hibernate. Unfortunately for J. R. the sudden change in the weather caught him off guard and he was on the verge of becoming a toad-sicle. Mollie acted quickly by bringing him inside and warming him up and Bubbie has been a part of the family ever since.

Carl, Jr looking out the window.

These days Jeremiah spends much of his time in a 10 gallon terrarium, but he also spends some of his time hopping about our living room under our careful supervision so he can get exercise and whatnot (right now he is chilling under the couch). Through his own certainty Jeremiah has convinced me that he and his invisible friend Carl Chameleon, Jr. (I totally thought Carl, Jr was imaginary at first yet apparently he is just really good at camouflage) do not just hang out in their terrarium all day but are able to come and go as they please so that when the nation is in trouble they can hop off to save the day or whatever it is that amphibians and reptiles do when they are unsupervised.

Jeremiah has just asked that I document some of his adventures for him because his nuptial pads make it difficult to type so look for those in the future. They'll be tagged Jeremiah.

A letter to the president

Dear President Obama,


I just watched the State of the Union Address on the interweb. I must say I was reminded of why we all voted for you in the first place: you are handsome, charismatic, and very articulate. I thoroughly enjoyed that you used your nationally televised forum to call out the various bodies of our government for all the bonehead moves they have made in the last year. Your beautiful words and high ideals would motivate good men and women to great heights.

Unfortunately, you seem to have forgotten you are not dealing with good men and women in Washington. You are dealing with, for lack of a better term, whores. Taken as individuals the members of Congress, the Supreme Court, and your own cabinet are intelligent people who could conceivably do some good in this world. However, when placed in the context of the national government they become manipulative, lying whores who would do anything to get their hands on A.) more votes or B.) more special interest money. The thing about whores is that you can whisper all the sweet words you want to them but at the end of the day they are just going to take your money and, if you're not careful, shank you! Why? Because whores have no respect for anyone or anything besides money and their pimp.

So, Mr. President, might I suggest a small change in your demeanor for your second year. Instead of being a charming, egghead who talks the talk but gets shot down every time he tries to walk the walk be smooooooothe, be ruthless, be PIMP! I know as the first biracial president you have to walk a very careful line to prevent the ignorant, bigots from revolting (although the completely revolt me - ha! See what I did there?) but the only way you are going to get anything done in Washington is if you make the whores of Congress respect your pimphand. What's a pimphand, you ask? What kind of jive turkey are you, man? Not knowing about the pimphand. Geesh! Okay, I'll lay it out for you. The pimphand is a lot like a nuclear bomb; it is the pimp's ultimate offensive weapon and the ultimate deterrent. The mere threat of it reminds his street walkers who is in charge, which prevents them from doing something stupid… most of the time. And if for some reason the sacred trust between pimp and hoe is violated, one open-handed slap from the pimphand is enough to ensure that everyone gets back on track.

President Obama, I implore you to use the pimphand against Congress. The next time Joe Lieberman tries to filibuster against something as important as Health Care Reform, remember what Dr. Dre taught us and smack the taste out of his mouth! It may not be politically correct but liberally (no pun intended) using the pimphand gets stuff done.



Your Homie,
Aaron

P.S. if all else fails you can always invite the Geto Boyz, Scarface, Warren G, and Nate Dogg (because it ain't a party unless Nate Dogg is there) to join your cabinet. They will bring some real regulation to the District of Columbia to ensure reform gets done!