Trick or Treat?

t has come to my attention in this most glorious season many homes are failing to fulfill their obligations of giving free candy to those in costumes. Some point to the obvious, saying a weak economy has left little extra money in people’s budgets for frivolous things like delicious candy treats. However, I don’t think the economy is to blame. In fact the jobs market is slowly growing and we are steadily climbing out of the economic nightmare we found ourselves in three and a half years ago.

Others blame oversensitivity towards various religions, saying celebrating Halloween is akin to worshipping the Devil. Balderdash! First, of all this is the 21^st century, that kind of talk is only fit for Stephen King novels or discussions of the Dark Ages. Second, Halloween has never been about the Devil. It is about scary good times and free candy. Period.

Still others seem to want to eliminate all the fun and adventure from childhood by eliminating trick or treating all together because little Billy has a peanut allergy and little Suzie is lactose intolerant and if someone were to give them a Snickers Bar the world might implode. As a parent I feel it is necessary to respect another parent’s decision on how to raise their wiener kids (not to be mistaken for Congressman Anthony Weiner’s kids, judging by their dad those kids are probably pretty cool) but ruining it for everyone is never, ever cool! Gone are the school costume parades, because lame families felt bad because their costumes were not good and their feelings got hurt. Gone are the school parties because of food allergies and special dietary needs. And now they are even refusing to hand out candy. For shame. But these lamewads are not the only culprits in the killing of Halloween.

So what, pray tell, is at the bottom of the miserly-like stinginess of people in America today? The majority of the blame falls squarely on the shoulders of America’s youth.  You thirty and forty-something’s have raised a generation of self-entitled brats that want everything now without working for it. They want the treats without working on the tricks. This laziness has led to people thinking they can get away without providing free candy to the costumed masses; there is no fear of reprisals. Well you well-fed, lazy, vitamin D deficient, children need to learn the TREATS are only half of the Holiday. The other half is at least as important if not more so.

TRICKS! Terrifying, mischievous tricks and the fear of them is the extortion this holiday is built on. If family does not provide candy you give them eggs! Eggs splattered all over their windows and exterior walls! Or toilet paper streamers over their roof and trees and bushes and car! Or you spray poo-in-a-can (yes that’s a real product) into their mailbox (just be sure you don’t leave fingerprints because that one is a federal offense). Now I’m not advocating you go out and commit a crime in order to scare people into giving you free candy but putting on a mask and creating some mischief can help loosen the neighborhood candy coffers. So stop being lazy bastards, design a fun and creative costume, and go out and get some candy. Or else! Muahahahahahaha!

When you’re out there begging for candy remember these words: “Trick or treat is a choice. Either you give me candy or I get to make your life miserable.”

First Time Father Blog

I’ve spent a lot of time in waiting rooms this year. First, there was when dad had his heart attack and subsequent bypass surgery. Then there were all the hospital, doctor’s offices, and lab visits when my face decided to stop working and no one knew why. And of course there were the monthly then weekly trips to see the midwives for the whole pregnancy thing. I met a lot of interesting people, had some nice conversations and learned some things.

One of the things I learned is everywhere I go I am surrounded by tOSU fans (maybe I attract them). Another thing I learned is old guys with cities as part of their name are usually kind of gangster (not gangsta… Pittsburgh Mike is hands down the best waiting room friend I’ve made this year). And I learned when people find out you’re an expectant parent you cannot get them to stop giving you advice. Some of it is helpful, some not so much. Taking the advice I have been given and what I have learned in my first couple of weeks of parenthood I have put together a short guide to new fatherhood. For advice on how to become a father check the Valentine’s Blog I wrote almost 5 years ago here.

1) Get plenty of rest especially in the weeks before the due date. It is tempting to try to get the most out of your last few months without the responsibility of parenthood by staying up late and doing all the stupid crap that makes you happy. However, you should get as much sleep as you can while you can. Trust me.

2) Bring snacks. The hospital will provide mom with food for the duration of her stay, but more often than not dad is on his own to find sustenance. A well stocked snack bag will save you a headache.

3) Be there and be supportive of your wife. This entails knowing when to massage her shoulders, knowing when to tell her you love her, knowing when to hold the barf bag for her (most women throw up during labor, mine didn’t but that’s cause she’s a superwoman), and knowing when to shut the hell up.

4) Doctors are dicks who will not warn you that your little bundle of joy’s head will become conical to help it get out of your woman’s body. That being said YOUR BABY’S HEAD WILL LOOK WEIRD in the moments immediately following birth. Your job is to NOT draw attention to this fact. So bite your tongue and be confident in the knowledge your baby’s head will normalize.

5) Don’t take time spent with your baby for granted. I’ve been a dad for two weeks and everyday brings changes and growth in Milo. Children really do grow up quickly.

6) The birth of your first child is an emotional time. A father of 2 I met while sitting in the waiting room for the midwives told me he cried for a solid half an hour after his baby was born (I think he might have felt compelled to tell me this because my left eye still randomly tears up because of the Bell’s Palsy thing). No one is going to think any less of you if you cry or get pale or faint. However, remember you’re supposed to be a man so sack up and act like it.

7) Follow your instincts… unless your instincts are stupid. Check out “The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding” for some really good advice. It’s an awesome read.

Okay so that covered some of the very basics, the rest you’ll just have to discover on your own. Good luck.

Random Toads

I’m sure you all know that I started a group (of about 3-ish people) to rescue toads and amphibians from their impending doom for man made hazards. Here are some random photos of rescues and little toads we met along the way.

This is Princess. She lives in my mother-in-law’s window well.

 

This is another shot of Princess.

 
Toads like children’s tunnels.

This is Daisy. She’s cool!

More to come someday.